synonyms for splendid, because splendid is splendid, but I say it too much

I wish that i could be wonderful all the time.
That energy could
-would
always-
emanate from me
like brilliant
dazzling
lavish
lustrous
radiant
resplendent
sumptuous bursts of light.

* post-posting note: my mind is so stuck in math...i read this poem over, and noticed that I had originally typed "radius" where the word "radiant" was supposed to be. How pathetic.

mush

Food for thought: Is it ever humanly possible to give someone your heart without also losing your mind? Bc that's one thing I'd really like to hang onto.

fuck forever. I want to fuck forever.

I.
I have such
a worry in my heart.
I'm scared to be abandoned.
I'm scared.
I don't want to be left
behind. Forgotten.
Don't want to feel that
I was just not good enough
for someone. Not quite right.
Didn't quite fit.

I don't want to blame you, but it didn't have to be this way. You didn't have to steal my forever but
you did.

How High

Waiting in the wings...the novice angel
blinks.

Is this what Heaven is?

It's almost like the Salem Witch Trials...almost.

The pressure on my chest is heavy,and I feel walled up, weighted down. It stacks and stacks and i find myself yearning that it might do as the wind--caress my skin from time to time. Light and airy it would disperse, floating around me, whispering "remember." But on it stacks, like leaden shingles, stacks itself in dense and unrelenting sheets upon my breast.
There is no rest
for me
right now.

I sorta kinda thought i knew

"Cool as shit" he said I was,
the smell of pot swirling through my hair,
his body gourmet to the senses.

I hope this doesn't depress you

I made up an inspirational quote about breaking up. It made one of my friends more sad, but I personally thought it made things sound promising? I don't know. Breaking up sucks no matter how you spin it. But here it is:

Breaking up means that you'll either find yourself, find someone else, or find eachother all over again.

Yes, the latter seems most appealing, but I suppose any of the above could hold great joys...I'm trying to be optimistic.

Forgive Me

I'm reading this book with a lot of beautiful twists and turns of the tongue.

I want to keep some of them.

"The view from the terrace...was unparalleled for its grandeur. I imagined what it might be like when the trees were in full bloom, or in the pride of early autumn when the foliage would be resplendently russet, vermilion, and gold..."

"...the humble efforts of my busy pen."

"Now and again I could make out a patch of blue muscling its way through the miasma, and I wished to be able to kiss it."

"In my view, sex without love was the greatest crime...I have always held that the woman who bestows her person where she can withhold her heart is the most culpable of beings."

"It would have been impossible for me not to notice at my elbow the dashing coat of the Green Horse Troop, the tan breeches that clung like a lover to the stranger's muscled thighs..."

"Though we often scrabbled like a pair of cats, and he could wound me like no other on earth, he was also capable of exquisite tenderness and night after night had led me over the brink of sublimest ecstasy; and I could deny him nothing."

"...verse after verse sprang forth from my pen, each drop of ink a seedling of creation..."

Mmmmmmmmm...

One of the millions of reasons I love Sex and the City

"Why do I think living in Manhattan is so great??"
"Because it is."

i'm me, who you?

Okay, so I'm really thinking about this now.

There are definitely things that are worth changing about yourself. Sometimes, other people and being in a relationship specifically, can really key you into some major issues about yourself and the way you deal with other people.

But where is the limit of what you change?

I mean I guess it depends on the person and what seems reasonable and beneficial to the person doing the adjusting. But that can be a tough call.

I don't want to be the kind of person who says "I am who I am and that's it." I don't want to close myself off to improving who I am, because if you're not growing, what are you?

But I don't want to take everything that other people don't like about me too seriously. There will always be someone who doesn't like something about you. How do you know when to remain steadfast and dedicated to your way of doing things, and when to take another way of being into consideration?

Maybe the trial and error is just one of the things that makes the journey...such a journey. And maybe...more fun and interesting.

Or maybe it's really tough and I'm just a hopeless optimist :)

I think I need a cat

I write a lot in the realm of philosophy, and love to expand my mind by exploring areas not made of everyday matter.

But sometimes, I have to wonder about other things--areas that daily elude and admittedly frustrate me.

I have been single for a short time--miniscule, actually--but I'm already getting the sense that "the game" is not merely a phrase, but an actuality.

From what I have found in my attempt to thwart the affections of guys whose attentions I am either unready for or undesiress of, guys love when you are, quite frankly, a complete bitch.

I am usually, dare I say it, a pretty sweet person. I love making people happy, even at my own expense. Yet it seems that, particularly in relationships, this is the ultimate coup de grace. It is a trait that gets you not only nowhere, but less than that. It gets you unappreciated, and treated badly, often which, for people like me, causes an even greater attempt to make the other person happy, due to the unignorable awareness of their unhappiness. All of this leading to heartbreak.

Am I pathetic? It hurts me that I feel the need to ponder this question in the least. How...why...in what world should it be pathetic to be a genuine and caring person? I'm not saying that I have no backbone--I do. I stand up for myself; no, Mama didn't raise no fool. I just simply like doing nice things. I like being able to tell my significant other how I feel about them. I enjoy surprising him by doing little things to make his life a bit easier every so often.

I wear my heart on my sleeve, and "love out loud," as they say. I feel things deeply, see beyond the exterior, appreciate quirky traits that could easily go unnoticed. I don't hold anything back, and yes, sometimes I like to tell him that the smell of his skin gives me butterflies.

Is this wrong?

Apparently so. Apparently, in fact, it is the complete opposite of what guys actually want. Strange as it seems, and perhaps unbeknownst to them, they like it rough. Really rough.

When guys talk to me now, I don't exactly welcome it. I simply don't need or care for it right now. And yet, this is exactly the fuel to their fires!

Am I simply dealing with some really immature guys...or is this a built-in flaw to the "dating game," because if so, excuse my french, but fuck it.

I can't stand the thought that I should have to purposely and willfully attempt to be less than who I am and who I want to be for a guy. Is it too much to ask that there be some guy out there who I can actually (gasp!) be nice to? And who might appreciate it and do it back?

I don't want a perfect relationship--that would be boring. I'm not going for a June Cleaver sort of thing (gag). I know it's tough to make it work with someone, and that's what makes it rewarding at the end of the day. But why does it have to be cut-throat, strategic, and so full of bull-shit?

Why do nice girls finish last? Or, have I simply not reached the finish line yet...?

lesson # n

Even the fondest of memories
and moments
expire

...and life goes on.

when the lines have blurred, and i no longer know the difference

i wake up
to the foreign scent
of new love,

lingering like
yesterday's perfume
on my wrists

and I'm
still me.
and you're
still gone...

such woe to she
exposed
by the crushing soft
of dawn

myspacebarisbroken

I fixed it.

you should google them

I just read an article in National Geographic about a group of people who live in Tanzania. Scorned by their own government, looked down upon by their own people, they have a simple existence as some of the world's only remaining hunter-gatherers.

They are called the Hadza people, and their way of living is so profound in its simplicity that it got me thinking.

They have no religion. No plans, no schedules, calendars, or sense of the passing of time. They allow nothing to tie them down in any sense--there is no such thing as a marriage ceremony, they live off a patch of land until resources become scarce and then they move, and sentimentalities of nearly every kind simply do not exist. The Hadza do not have funerals, nor even burials. Women can leave their man as they please. And sleeping occurs not in the night, but whenever happens to be convenient.

These people seem to embody the lyrics of John Lennon's "Imagine" in ways that I never thought were possible in the real world. A nice dream it is, yes, to picture a world with "no posessions...above us only sky...." It'd be great to see "all the people living for today...nothing to kill or die for," but in reality? Seems kind of...imagined.

But though they may be few in number, there are people out there who live this beautifully frightening proposal as easily as they breathe, every single day.

In the "modern" world, most of us are so wrapped up in our day to day concerns, and all of our problems seem so big. But it is inspiring, to me, to know that there are so many different and varied ways to go about living one life. One single life may not feel like much in the scheme of things, but if we were to realize how many options we have for that set of 80 or so years, one life starts to take shape as what it really is--rich, incredible, and brimming with innumerable possibilities.

We're on a first-name basis, now

I probably shouldn't exactly be posting this online, but I want to think it through a little, so here goes.

I used to hate tattoos...but I changed my mind.

I've been thinking since summer of what I could possibly stand to see stamped on my body for the rest of forever (or until I have the money and incredible pain tolerance to get it removed), and have had a hard time.

I have two ideas...only one of which is an actual image.

It would be vines and organic shapes--flowers, leaves, no holds barred, the whole generic deal. But here's the slightly more original part. I want to intertwine mechanical parts throughout the foliage. Cogs, gears, and machinery in general.

I drew up some ideas, and it looks pretty sweet--cogs double as flowers, etc etc. I still have way more work to do on it though. And I insist upon coming up with the entire thing, start to finish,on my own.

Any input would be greatly unappreciated (:

recycled lyrics are worth it

"i am
captivated, i am..."