To Living Happily Ever After

Love is such a mystery. It's so central to our lives, and yet I'd be willing to guess that maybe only a handful of people out there, if even that many, could honestly say they understand it. It seems like there is no one piece of advice, no set of rules that work for everyone. There is no key that unlocks a hidden world of romance where your one and only true love awaits you.
It seems that all we can do is guess, try, stumble around in the dark until we find someone who lights our fire, illuminating enough of that mysterious world to satisfy us for a lifetime.
And even though I know that there is no perfect equation, no proven method for making love work (despite the well-intentioned advice of many a friend), I still feel that I have grown wiser on the matter over the years.
And these are the things that I, personally, feel I have learned. Use some of them, all of them , or none of them; think them over and improve on them, or chuckle at them and go back to what you were doing before you wasted your time entertaining such absurd tomfoolery. It's your call--but isn't that the beauty of the journey?

ONE) I have made many relationship mistakes in the past, mistakes which I must try all the time to correct and keep corrected. That's why the first of many lessons I've learned is to keep track. Keep track of the things you'd like to change about the way you do things, the goals you have for bettering yourself and your relationship. Make a game plan, and then monitor yourself. Every few days at first, and then perhaps every week or so after you get used to it, do a quick check on yourself, honestly assessing your progress. I find that the only way for me to have success at doing this is to keep a journal. Some people don't need that--my boyfriend doesn't need to write anything down at all, and yet he is a literal expert at changing behaviors about himself that he finds unfavorable. However you do it, the key behind this activity is that you are not sitting idly by and expecting things to work out on their own--you are taking charge of the situation. That means you are 1.) unbiasely assessing yourself and how you do things, and making an honest judgment based on your and your significant other's observations (this in itself is a skill that it seems many people are hard-pressed to learn. Sometimes, it's good to consider that you do in fact have flaws rather than always being on the defensive when criticized) 2.) Creating a picture of who/how you want to be 3.) Making a plan to get there, and 4.) Sticking to your plan by continuing to check up on yourself. I've found that simple awareness and a willingness to become a better person can really turn things around in an otherwise ailing relationship.

A crucial note: Even more important as a first step than trying to improve on who you are in a relationship is trying to improve who you are as an individual. For example, I've struggled with jealousy in my relationships a lot. Rather than only trying to not be jealous, I've entertained the thought that perhaps the jealousy could root from insecurities within myself. Therefore, beyond just trying not to get huffy when my boyfriend is talking to another chick, I've tried to overall have a more positive attitude about myself and who I am, and realize that I have no reason to get upset over small things such as these.

TWO) Put the other person's needs ahead of your own. Disclaimer: I am by no means advocating that you become a doormat. Au contrair, my friend. I am, however, saying...basically, grow up. Let your boyfriend pick the movie without a fight. Or go to your girlfriend's favorite restaurant without a hassle. The song going through your head when you are with your gf or bf can be a range of great jams, running the gamut from Let's Get it On, to She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy. My personal opinion, however, is that it should not be the tune that goes something along the lines of "Mememememememememe." It's not all about you. Compromises are great, too. Sometimes, you just need to bite the damn bullet.

THREE) Being jealous will only push them away. Plus, it's just overall really unattractive.

FOUR) CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES. Sometimes, it's simply not worth it. Day to day battles can absolutely kill a relationship. They drain you. They take all the fun out of things. They make being together an unpleasant experience for you both, and if you allow them to happen all the time, you are starting a real downward spiral, in my opinion. Truthfully, don't most of the things that seem like such a big deal in the moment really end up seeming stupid later on? If only we could convince ourselves in the moment how stupid and irrelevant some things are, so much unnecessary conflict could be avoided. I'm not saying there aren't things worth voicing your disagreement over. I am, however, saying that, unless you're really with the wrong person, these things probably shouldn't happen on a daily basis. It's hard to know in the moment if it's worth it or not. I haven't figured this one out. The way I do it is, if I have given my boyfriend a hard time over something within the past few days, I try really hard to avoid making a big stink over something else soon after. I just try to space it out. This may seem silly, but it has actually helped me to avoid many a pointless argument. Another more simple way (which may sound melodramatic, but is actually quite true) is to, when you're about to blow your top over something, think to yourself "what's more important--making sure that he puts the toilet paper roll on the dispenser correctly, or the harmony and success of my relationsihp?" Should be a no-brainer.

FIVE)For God's sake, LISTEN to them! Listening is one of THE HARDEST skills, it seems, for people to master or even be slightly proficient at. How many times in a day do you have a conversation with someone, listen to them speak for five minutes solid, and have no idea what the hell they said afterward? I don't know if it is a natural survival technique that humans have developed over many years of evolution as a way to protect ourselves against boring anecdotes, stupid jokes, and overall pieces of worthlessness, in order to maintain a maximum amount of free space in our brains to use for such knowledge as who the finalists are on Dancing With the Stars or baseball stats from 1972, but somewhere along the line, it has begun to run amuck! We space out at crucial times, and it hinders not only our romantic relationships, but all of our relationsihps, not to mention our scholastic and business success. Why is listening so freakin hard!? I really don't know--I'm terrible at it. But I at least have realized this fact and have tried to come up with ways to get slightly less awful. Some of these include: closing my eyes when I'm on the phone, so as not to become distracted; staring at someone's face when they talk to me, avoiding all peripheral goodies such as flashing lights, passing cars, or television sets; mentally telling myself before a conversation that it is important for me to pay attention; trying to pick out 3 or 5 things in a conversatin that the other person said which I will focus on and remember. However you do it, it really is crucial. How good does it feel when you tell someone that you are going to go see a movie, and two days later, they ask you how it was, and even remember the name of it? Doing this for you bf/gf is a great and irreplaceable way of showing that you care. On the same token, not knowing about something they already told you about really hurts, not to mention pissess them off, rightfully so.

SIX) Don't be obsessive. Have your own life--that's why they fell in love with you in the first place. If you stop doing everything that makes you you just to have more time to hang out with them...well, you get the drift.

SEVEN) Be friends first--that's the basis upon which everything else is built, and that's what will be left when everything else gets old.

I could go on, and perhaps at a later time I will. But I'm getting sleepy, my contacts are blurring, and I have to pee. So I will leave you with what I consider one of THE MOST IMPORTANT lessons I have learned, and what I wish everyone would at least consider for themselves: Relationships are work. In addition to all of the butterflies and the romance and the fun times, there are terrible and heartwrenching and downright un-fun times. This does not mean that your relatinship is wrong. All it means is that the movies are wrong. And the fairytales. And probably everything you grew up thinking about realtionships (especially if you are a girl--pop culture really got us good). Maybe once in a blue moon it happens, but from what I can see, Prince Charming is never going to show up and sweep you off your feet. He might, however, roll over in the middle of the night and steal all your covers. What I'm trying to say is, in a nutshell, if you're waiting around for the perfect person, you're going to be waiting...forever. You're not perfect, and guess what? Neither is anybody else. Sometimes, you've just got to be willing to suck it up and give it a second try. And a 3rd try. And if you really love them and they really love you, maybe even a millionth try. Because a real life relationship is not bestowed upon everyone, it is earned by he (and she!) who is willing to work for it.