I am

I am fragile--
fleeting beauty.
Warmth and flushing transcience,
I am.
Stretching
Pumping
Hoping
Knowing--that there is no
what is
supposed to be,
But only--
what is.
And in this moment,
this
pulsing here
this
rush of now
this ever-fatal state of
bliss--
I am.

I know it is not generally accepted as okay to explain the meanings of your poems...but anyway, here's what this one is about. Simply, it is trying to capture in a few lines what no person has ever been able to capture in any tangible way, that which some fail to even truly take notice of, and that is being alive. It is celebrating life, while also noting life's stark fragility.

Papa, Don't Preach

So I was sitting at this Thai restaurant in NYC and looking across the way, I noticed a small circular window through which a girl was visible. Only one side of her face was showing through the window, and most of that was covered by the glass that she was drinking from, leaving uncovered only one eye and some hair. I was struck by an interest in her, thinking that she looked like she’d be pretty. Most salient was the feeling that she looked like she really had it together—a sophisticated New Yorker, she seemed. I found myself intrigued and curious to see who she was, and as I put my glass down, I did just that—the window was not a window at all; it was a mirror. The girl was me.

Every word of that remarkable occurrence actually happened to me. I think that this story should serve as a reminder to me, and everyone who reads it, that we often don’t realize how beautiful, or smart, or “together” and “sophisticated” we really are. It’s hard to do so, but it is important to keep in mind that no matter how badly you might feel about any aspect of yourself, someone else is probably eyeing you through the window, wishing they could be even close to as awesome as you.

Cheesy lesson concluded.

To Living Happily Ever After

Love is such a mystery. It's so central to our lives, and yet I'd be willing to guess that maybe only a handful of people out there, if even that many, could honestly say they understand it. It seems like there is no one piece of advice, no set of rules that work for everyone. There is no key that unlocks a hidden world of romance where your one and only true love awaits you.
It seems that all we can do is guess, try, stumble around in the dark until we find someone who lights our fire, illuminating enough of that mysterious world to satisfy us for a lifetime.
And even though I know that there is no perfect equation, no proven method for making love work (despite the well-intentioned advice of many a friend), I still feel that I have grown wiser on the matter over the years.
And these are the things that I, personally, feel I have learned. Use some of them, all of them , or none of them; think them over and improve on them, or chuckle at them and go back to what you were doing before you wasted your time entertaining such absurd tomfoolery. It's your call--but isn't that the beauty of the journey?

ONE) I have made many relationship mistakes in the past, mistakes which I must try all the time to correct and keep corrected. That's why the first of many lessons I've learned is to keep track. Keep track of the things you'd like to change about the way you do things, the goals you have for bettering yourself and your relationship. Make a game plan, and then monitor yourself. Every few days at first, and then perhaps every week or so after you get used to it, do a quick check on yourself, honestly assessing your progress. I find that the only way for me to have success at doing this is to keep a journal. Some people don't need that--my boyfriend doesn't need to write anything down at all, and yet he is a literal expert at changing behaviors about himself that he finds unfavorable. However you do it, the key behind this activity is that you are not sitting idly by and expecting things to work out on their own--you are taking charge of the situation. That means you are 1.) unbiasely assessing yourself and how you do things, and making an honest judgment based on your and your significant other's observations (this in itself is a skill that it seems many people are hard-pressed to learn. Sometimes, it's good to consider that you do in fact have flaws rather than always being on the defensive when criticized) 2.) Creating a picture of who/how you want to be 3.) Making a plan to get there, and 4.) Sticking to your plan by continuing to check up on yourself. I've found that simple awareness and a willingness to become a better person can really turn things around in an otherwise ailing relationship.

A crucial note: Even more important as a first step than trying to improve on who you are in a relationship is trying to improve who you are as an individual. For example, I've struggled with jealousy in my relationships a lot. Rather than only trying to not be jealous, I've entertained the thought that perhaps the jealousy could root from insecurities within myself. Therefore, beyond just trying not to get huffy when my boyfriend is talking to another chick, I've tried to overall have a more positive attitude about myself and who I am, and realize that I have no reason to get upset over small things such as these.

TWO) Put the other person's needs ahead of your own. Disclaimer: I am by no means advocating that you become a doormat. Au contrair, my friend. I am, however, saying...basically, grow up. Let your boyfriend pick the movie without a fight. Or go to your girlfriend's favorite restaurant without a hassle. The song going through your head when you are with your gf or bf can be a range of great jams, running the gamut from Let's Get it On, to She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy. My personal opinion, however, is that it should not be the tune that goes something along the lines of "Mememememememememe." It's not all about you. Compromises are great, too. Sometimes, you just need to bite the damn bullet.

THREE) Being jealous will only push them away. Plus, it's just overall really unattractive.

FOUR) CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES. Sometimes, it's simply not worth it. Day to day battles can absolutely kill a relationship. They drain you. They take all the fun out of things. They make being together an unpleasant experience for you both, and if you allow them to happen all the time, you are starting a real downward spiral, in my opinion. Truthfully, don't most of the things that seem like such a big deal in the moment really end up seeming stupid later on? If only we could convince ourselves in the moment how stupid and irrelevant some things are, so much unnecessary conflict could be avoided. I'm not saying there aren't things worth voicing your disagreement over. I am, however, saying that, unless you're really with the wrong person, these things probably shouldn't happen on a daily basis. It's hard to know in the moment if it's worth it or not. I haven't figured this one out. The way I do it is, if I have given my boyfriend a hard time over something within the past few days, I try really hard to avoid making a big stink over something else soon after. I just try to space it out. This may seem silly, but it has actually helped me to avoid many a pointless argument. Another more simple way (which may sound melodramatic, but is actually quite true) is to, when you're about to blow your top over something, think to yourself "what's more important--making sure that he puts the toilet paper roll on the dispenser correctly, or the harmony and success of my relationsihp?" Should be a no-brainer.

FIVE)For God's sake, LISTEN to them! Listening is one of THE HARDEST skills, it seems, for people to master or even be slightly proficient at. How many times in a day do you have a conversation with someone, listen to them speak for five minutes solid, and have no idea what the hell they said afterward? I don't know if it is a natural survival technique that humans have developed over many years of evolution as a way to protect ourselves against boring anecdotes, stupid jokes, and overall pieces of worthlessness, in order to maintain a maximum amount of free space in our brains to use for such knowledge as who the finalists are on Dancing With the Stars or baseball stats from 1972, but somewhere along the line, it has begun to run amuck! We space out at crucial times, and it hinders not only our romantic relationships, but all of our relationsihps, not to mention our scholastic and business success. Why is listening so freakin hard!? I really don't know--I'm terrible at it. But I at least have realized this fact and have tried to come up with ways to get slightly less awful. Some of these include: closing my eyes when I'm on the phone, so as not to become distracted; staring at someone's face when they talk to me, avoiding all peripheral goodies such as flashing lights, passing cars, or television sets; mentally telling myself before a conversation that it is important for me to pay attention; trying to pick out 3 or 5 things in a conversatin that the other person said which I will focus on and remember. However you do it, it really is crucial. How good does it feel when you tell someone that you are going to go see a movie, and two days later, they ask you how it was, and even remember the name of it? Doing this for you bf/gf is a great and irreplaceable way of showing that you care. On the same token, not knowing about something they already told you about really hurts, not to mention pissess them off, rightfully so.

SIX) Don't be obsessive. Have your own life--that's why they fell in love with you in the first place. If you stop doing everything that makes you you just to have more time to hang out with them...well, you get the drift.

SEVEN) Be friends first--that's the basis upon which everything else is built, and that's what will be left when everything else gets old.

I could go on, and perhaps at a later time I will. But I'm getting sleepy, my contacts are blurring, and I have to pee. So I will leave you with what I consider one of THE MOST IMPORTANT lessons I have learned, and what I wish everyone would at least consider for themselves: Relationships are work. In addition to all of the butterflies and the romance and the fun times, there are terrible and heartwrenching and downright un-fun times. This does not mean that your relatinship is wrong. All it means is that the movies are wrong. And the fairytales. And probably everything you grew up thinking about realtionships (especially if you are a girl--pop culture really got us good). Maybe once in a blue moon it happens, but from what I can see, Prince Charming is never going to show up and sweep you off your feet. He might, however, roll over in the middle of the night and steal all your covers. What I'm trying to say is, in a nutshell, if you're waiting around for the perfect person, you're going to be waiting...forever. You're not perfect, and guess what? Neither is anybody else. Sometimes, you've just got to be willing to suck it up and give it a second try. And a 3rd try. And if you really love them and they really love you, maybe even a millionth try. Because a real life relationship is not bestowed upon everyone, it is earned by he (and she!) who is willing to work for it.

Shake Your Money-Maker

Benjamins. Cashola. Dolla dolla bills, ya'll. Is it really love that makes the world go 'round, or is it something a little more...George Washington-clad?
Money sucks. It seems we spend our lives chasing after it. For wants and needs and everything in between, we've simply gotta have it. Money is the root of all evil and the source of all shopping sprees. It puts the socks on our toesies and the bread beneath our butter; keeps us working all day and worrying all night.
They say money can't buy happiness, and that may be true. But the bottoms of my Nike Gel-Cushion Women's Running Shoe sure makes me smile a lot harder than the feeling of stones and glass shards stabbing into my foot.
But I digress.
Even though it's a bummer to have to spend more time with your co-workers than with your family and more Saturday nights flipping burgers than catching the new episode of the Bill Engvall Show, it is what we, as the human race, must endure.
And if we've got to put so much into making money, we should also do our darndest to find ways to hang onto some of it, eh?
Well, agree or don't, but that was my mindset today when I went to the bank to inquire about buying a CD. No, not the kind that makes Lil Wayne money, but the kind that actually makes YOU money. I believe certificate of deposit is the proper term?
In case you are interested, which you must be to have made it this far (I like a proper buildup. I'm a girl, what can I say? ;)) a CD is not going to do you much good nowadays. Typically, you can purchase a CD, which is essentially a loan to the bank for a given period of time (therefore they pay you interest, around 3%, which is better than the interest on most every savings account)and make a few bucks, depending on how much you invest, of course. However, with interest rates plummeting to just over one percent, you'd be better off sticking to your savings account, in most cases.
I also inquired about starting a retirement fund. Aren't you a little young, you might be wondering? Well, yes I am, thank you. But young is the perfect time to start a retirement fund (as starting one at 50 probably won't have the best payoff).
Now, I am FAR from an expert on financial matters, hence why I needed to do a little homework on the matter. Anyway, though, here is a quick summary of what I learned.
When you work full time, most employers offer a 401K, which is a retirement fund. They will usually match your payments into the fund, up to a given percentage of your monthly income. For example, if you pay $300 into the account, your employer will also pay $300 into it, giving you a total deposit of $600. Not too shabby.
You can also invest in an IRA, of which there are a few different kinds, varying on age limits and amounts of tax deductions. An IRA, which stands for Independent Retirement Account, is for those people whose employers do not offer a 401K, or for those who would like to have a second retirement account. Unfortunately for those with IRA's, no one is putting money into the account but them.
Then there are mutual funds. A mutual fund is when you pay a starting sum to a company of people who invest your money in different avenues. They might put some into one stock, some into another stock, and the rest into bonds and real estate. They watch the market for you, and change around your investments as they see fit, with the object being, of course, to make you money. These are not solely retirement accounts, but can be used as such.
The big picture, though, is that it is important to plan for your financial future. Retirees need anywhere from 75-85 percent of their past incomes to continue their previous standard of living, more if they want to travel and such. Only 50 percent of that need comes from social security (saying our generation is even going to receive social security) and pension benefits, and 29 percents comes from "earnings and other sources" (all of this according to a PNC Bank publication). Where's the rest going to come from? That's up to you! (No bank robbing allowed...!)

Tongues

Under
appreciated
undercut
never quite satisfied. Shut down shut out shut
Up and let me drive
Get out while I become
The black mark on these
flawless bed sheets
the color of your
Walls.
Too close beside you
Just right
Beneath you
Beneath you, my tongue swirls joy through your bones
Yours slithers through muck
When we’re alone
Slaps with words like a dirty dish towel
Putrid and stinging,
This heaping mess.

Ripples--article I wrote a few months ago for my journalism class

From sea to shining sea, the words of God according to the Prophet Mohammad are uttered. Scattered amongst the nation’s mountains and valleys are over 2000 Islamic centers, schools, and mosques—places where the Quran, the Holy Book of Islam, is read and studied each day by the estimated seven million Muslims living in the United States.
They work, pray, raise families, live, and die here. They are, in all senses of the word, American. But as the war in the Middle East rages on, so too does the battle here on the home front for acceptance and understanding.
“No one has any right to discriminate because of race, religion, or color,” said Atef Hamed, Imam at the Islamic Center of Pittsburgh located on Bigelow Boulevard in Oakland.
“Even God doesn’t look at your face; he looks into your heart,”Hamed continued.
Unfortunately, however, not all people share this reasoning. Hamed stated that while he is optimistic and sees a lot of improvement in the sentiment toward Muslims, he still experiences prejudice in his daily life.
“If I dress in American-style clothes, many people will smile to my face. But when I dress like an Arab, I get bad looks from the very same people,” he said.
He went on to say that when travelling, he is a frequent selectee for “random,” (said with a scoff) checks of passengers at American airports.
Sultan Ghuman, member of the University of Pittsburgh’s Muslim Student Association, says that he does not feel discriminated against by Pitt students or the University as a whole. However, he does feel that there are many misconceptions amongst non-Muslims about his religion.
“With the way the media hammers Islam by associating every negative piece of news with it, and especially because so many people don’t read but just watch television…I’m not really surprised,” he said.
An informal survey of fifteen Pitt students supported Ghuman’s claim. Of all fifteen students, only five could state three basic facts about the religion of Islam, and only five could identify Mohammed as the prophet of Islam.
Upon being asked to rate their knowledge of the religion on a scale of one to ten, with ten being the most knowledgeable, nine students ranked their knowledge at a two, and only one student chose a rating above four.
Milica Bakic-Hayden, professor of Religious Studies here at Pitt, said: “Only education can help overcome the standard prejudice regarding Muslims. People here in America are not aware of the diversity of the Muslim world.”
Hamed, too, feels that the lack of a basic understanding about Islam, even amongst the educated, is the main cause of the prejudices against Muslims that still prevail. He said that the best way to improve attitudes toward Muslims, then, is for people to educate themselves.
“People know who Britney Spears is, but not Mohammed. Who is more important to history?” Hamed said.
The reasons for the lack of information could be endlessly speculated upon, but some potential explanations surfaced in the aforementioned informal survey.
Of fifteen students, only four said that they had either a friend or family member who considered themselves Muslims, and four students said they had done any independent reading or research about Islam. Only one student said that he had learned any information about the religion in a class taken here at Pitt.
Whatever the cause of the rift, many non-Muslim students feel that there is still a ways to go before it is truly healed.
“There is still some racism,” said Jessica Stillman, School of Arts and Sciences student. “Even though not all Muslims are extremists, people still feel hatred towards them.”
Undergraduate student, Amanda Feris, said: “Fixed opinions exist. People have a hard time looking at extremists versus the religion itself and distinguishing the two.”
“As Americans, we sometimes say that if you’re not us, you’re them,” said English Writing major, Sergei Feldman.
Feldman went on to say that things are getting better, with most of the negative feelings being directed toward extremists, in his opinion.
However, those who practice Islam as the peaceful and tolerant religion that most Muslims define it to be are unfortunately still targets of hatred.
According to Imam Hamed, a little over three months ago, during the time of the Gaza conflict, members of the Islamic Center arrived one morning for their 6 a.m. prayers to find the front entrance stairs of the building covered in red paint.
“How could somebody do that in the house of God?” Hamed said of the vandalism, remembering the stunned and hurt feelings he and the other members shared that day.
The Islamic Center never discovered the perpetrator’s identity, but has since picked up the pieces, cleaned up the paint, and moved on with their mission.
“If whoever did it doesn’t agree with what we do—helping kids, raising money—that’s his problem,” said Hemad.
About a month later, just this past February, another incident occurred at Gateway High School in Monroeville.
Two students, Mohammad Al-Abbasi and Ahmad Al-Sadi were told that they were no longer permitted to wear the headscarves traditional to their Arab heritage to school, according to a February 18 article written by Sadie Gurman for the Post Gazette.
The school’s dress code clearly states that “Any headgear worn due to religious beliefs is acceptable.”
According to a Tribune Review article by Karen Zapf published February 19, a group of Jewish students at the school signed a petition expressing their discomfort with the Arab scarves.
The article went on to say that, at Gateway High School, the “tensions between Jewish and Muslim students have been growing for months, and the administration's actions haven't diffused the situation.”
While many non-Muslims are yet to accept Islam and those who practice it fully, steps are being taken every day by organizations and individuals to combat prejudice and reach a level of harmony between Muslims and non-Muslims.
The MSA here at Pitt engages its members in many activities to increase understanding about Islam.
“We host an Islamic Awareness Week on Forbes Avenue Lawn where we provide information with games to overcome misconceptions,” said Melek Yazici, president of the MSA. “We are also thinking of collaborating with Habitat for Humanity for a community project next semester.”
The group tries to promote acceptance right down to its very make-up, according to Yazici. “Anyone can become a member of the Association; being Muslim is not a prerequisite. We welcome people from any religion or background, as we believe diversity is a vital part of our organization.”
Pitt is also becoming more accommodating to diversity, as the University has recently allowed the MSA to create a prayer room, which is located in room 301 of the William Pitt Union.
The room is very useful to Muslims due to their obligatory daily prayers, said Yazici, but is not limited to Muslim usage.
“We welcome every student on campus to use the room if they are looking for a quiet place to meditate or pray,” she said.
The Islamic Center is also playing a large part in educating the community about Islam and bringing diverse groups of people together. It serves not only as a mosque for Muslim individuals, but as a place of learning for all.
Recently, the Center has started a class about Islam that it will offer weekly, according to Hamed. The class focuses on the history of Islam and its teachings, and also attempts to answer any questions that students may have about the religion in general, said Hamed.
He said that the first class proved to be encouraging, adding that there were about 7-10 students present, only one of whom was Muslim.
“We feel like it’s our duty to educate people,” he said, adding that oftentimes, internet research can be misleading and generally unhelpful to those who want to learn more about Islam.
He went on to say that perhaps the most important function of the Islamic Center, in addition to educating the public, is teaching people to hold on to their Islamic heritage and instill in their children the teachings of the faith.
“This place is very different from a mosque in, say, Egypt, because here, Muslims face a lot of challenges in maintaining their Islamic identity.”
Professor Hayden stressed that although challenges are plentiful for Muslims in America, it is important to remember that misconceptions are a mutual problem.
“In many Muslim countries, they have a simplistic and often distorted picture of ‘Americans’, who are seen through films and other popular media, or judged by the politics of their leaders,” said Hayden.
For those Muslims in America who do want to work toward a better relationship with non-Muslims, however, hope abounds for the future.
Feris said “I guess this is kind of idealistic, but I hope to see people accepting others for who they are instead of basing opinions on the actions of a small group.”
Hemad stressed that while he feels more accepted in Pittsburgh than he did in the suburb where he once lived, the prejudices and misconceptions that he continues to see are very frustrating.
“One fifth of the world’s population is Muslim—we have got to learn to coexist,” Hamed said. “I’m not here to kill anyone.”

Making Babies

"I love that name so much, I want to make babies with it. Little half-human, half-word babies."

"sit in reverie, and watch the changing color of the waves that break upon the idle seashore of the mind"

High Fructose Corn Syrup

I don't write nearly enough anymore. I might be a little rusty. I have, however, had an excellent breakfast, which I'm positive will fuel me in the right direction.

So here goes nothing...and anything.