Alternative Uses For Condoms--For Those of us Who Aren't Getting Any

Being single is hard to do…especially when it means no dependable sex. But just because your mojo is going unused, that doesn’t mean your condoms have to. There are a virtual load of alternative ways to put those little rubber treasures to work that will have you feeling almost better in no time.

1.) Soft Drink Cozy—That Coca Cola feeling ever so slightly room-temperature? I don’t mean to sound like your mother, but—-you should’ve used a condom!

2.) Paperweight—That’s right; it’s simple: Step 1: Take condom, fill with shattered hopes and dreams of getting laid (sand will also work). Step 2: Smack that puppy onto your desk for a long night of, you guessed it, homework. Ohh yeeah.

3.) Finger Puppets—For all you creative types, condoms serve as an excellent canvas for some totally tubular characters. Note: some creations may look as though they have a mammoth tumor sprouting forth from their scalps. This can easily be trimmed with scissors.

4.) Change Purse—We’ve all been there. Nighttime, alone, in a shady part of town. Some of us, perhaps, have even been mugged--those of us, that is, who didn’t have our quarters stored safely in a lubed up condom. It’s a rare thug who can grab hold of such a tiny, slippery package.

5.) Automatic Tissue—Have allergies? Well, you needn’t worry about constantly keeping a tissue on hand if you’ve got a condom. Simply affix the outer ring to the skin around your nose (how? I don’t know. Do you want me to think of everything?)and each time you sneeze, WAMMO! It’s an automatic, inflatable mucus-magnet.

6.) Wind Sock—Everyone likes to know the weather, and also which direction that weather is heading. So slap a condom onto whatever stick you have handy, and let the blowing begin.

That is the end of my list, but you needn’t stop there. There are endless varieties of fun that can be had with poor, underestimated condoms—so often misjudged as suitable for mere sex. So remember, even if you are not using condoms for their prescribed purpose, you can still have fun. Just…not as much.

Vectors

Plaid shirts and expertly tousled hair congregate outside my window...the smell of vegetable soup wafting through the air~...

I'm trying out a new type of poetry now. Not to replace the old, but to complement it--stretch and rotate it, through the x's and holes...the exes and wholes; and halfs and everything in between.

But if I can speak in f's and x's, and f(x)'s, frontwards and backwards, from the origin of me; if I can tempt brilliance (when I don't come up empty), would you call me a traitor?

...or could I be
splendidly
multilingual?

Am I?

It seems that "I am." is the shortest sentence in the English language. Indeed.

Fly away from home

Wings, in fact. You have wings.

of boots and straps and such

I'm not here to pull you up. I'm here to remind you that you have arms.